Let me say the quiet part out loud: I’ve struggled with boundaries my entire career.

Like many leaders, empathy has always come naturally. I can walk into a room and immediately sense the tension, the insecurity, the unspoken fear. And because I see it, I want to fix it. I want to carry it. I want to make it better.

That’s empathy at its best.

But without boundaries? It’s a slow leak of energy, influence and sanity.

Where I Learned the Hard Way

Early in my sports career, I was the go-to for everything — tickets, last-minute client needs, emotional hand-holding when sponsors weren’t happy. I thought saying “yes” to every ask proved my value. But what it really did was set the precedent that my time and energy were always available, no matter the cost.

The result? Burnout, blurred roles and resentment I had created with my own over-functioning.

At BirdieBox, I held space when deals fell apart, when fulfillment failed, when my teammates spiraled. I took on emotional labor that wasn’t mine because I thought that’s what “strong leadership” required.

And the irony? Some of those same teammates later recast me as the villain. My empathy without boundaries became ammunition against me.

In leadership more broadly, I’ve often mentored people who weren’t ready for the next level — pouring belief into them, making excuses for them, over-functioning for them. And when I finally set boundaries? The separation hurt, but it clarified what I’d been carrying that wasn’t mine.

These moments taught me something I wish I’d learned earlier: Empathy without boundaries isn’t leadership. It’s self-abandonment.

The Leadership Trap (for All of Us)

Here’s the nuance: Not everyone struggles with too much empathy.

Some, especially women who had to pioneer in male-dominated spaces, came up armored. For them, the growth edge isn’t pulling back; it’s leaning into empathy.

Others, like me, had to learn the opposite: to stop overcarrying, overfunctioning and overempathizing at our own expense.

The truth is, empathy without boundaries isn’t sustainable, and boundaries without empathy aren’t effective. The magic is holding both.

How to Define Your Boundaries

Here’s a simple process I now use to check myself:

  1. Identify the leak. Where do you feel drained, resentful or overextended? That’s usually a sign you’ve blurred a boundary.
  2. Clarify what’s yours. Ask: What is truly mine to carry here? What belongs to them?
  3. Decide the standard. Boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about saying, “This is the line I can lead from with clarity, energy and integrity.”
  4. Communicate it cleanly. Boundaries don’t need a backstory or apology. Short, steady statements work best: “I can support you here, but I can’t own that for you.”
  5. Enforce with consistency. Boundaries aren’t real until you enforce them. Consistency is what builds trust.

When to Hold the Line — and When to Walk Away

Boundaries aren’t just theory. They require choices. Sometimes that means managing others to the line you’ve drawn. Other times, it means realizing the relationship can’t survive without constant compromise — and letting it go.

Here’s how I now gauge it:

  • Pattern vs. one-off: If someone crosses the line once, it’s a coaching moment. If they keep doing it, they’re showing you who they are.
  • Respect vs. resistance: People don’t have to like your boundary, but they need to respect it. If every conversation is pushback or guilt trips, that’s data.
  • Energy vs. drain: Boundaries should protect your energy. If even with the boundary in place, the relationship still leaves you exhausted or resentful, that’s your sign.

Managing Others to Your Boundaries

It’s one thing to define your boundaries. It’s another to actually manage others to them.

  • Be clear and consistent. Don’t move the line every time someone pushes. Consistency is what builds respect.
  • Lead with empathy, but don’t bend the standard. “I hear that this is frustrating, and I also need us to stay aligned with what we agreed to.”
  • Let your actions reinforce your words. People learn faster from behavior than from speeches. If you always jump back in after saying you won’t, they’ll assume the boundary isn’t real.

The Hardest Lesson

Sometimes the most empathetic thing you can do is step away. Because staying in a relationship or dynamic where your boundaries are consistently ignored doesn’t just drain you, it teaches the other person that disregard is acceptable.

Walking away isn’t cruelty. It’s clarity. And clarity, paired with empathy, is what makes your leadership sustainable.

Empathy + Boundaries in Action

  • Empathy says: I see you. I understand why you feel this way.
    • Boundaries say: But I won’t carry what isn’t mine.
  • Empathy says: I care about your growth.
    • Boundaries say: But I won’t lower the standard to protect your comfort.
  • Empathy says: I value this relationship.
    • Boundaries say: But not at the expense of my integrity or health.

Final Thought: Boundaries Are a Form of Care

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too soft” when you lean into empathy, or “too harsh” when you lead with boundaries, you’re not alone. I’ve lived both tensions.

But empathy with boundaries isn’t a contradiction. It’s leadership. Because the people you lead don’t just need your compassion, they need your clarity.

And you can’t offer either if you’re too busy performing, fixing or carrying what was never yours in the first place.