You’ve taken numerous leadership classes, completed development programs, been mentored, read the books and studied the leaders in your career. But what the books and others don’t tell you is that even great leaders have irrational, negative and unhealthy thoughts.

It doesn’t mean you’re weak or doing it wrong; it means you’re human.

Leadership is full of pressure, and under pressure it’s common for us to fall into mental traps. Traps full of our deep-seated beliefs about ourselves, others, and what leadership should look like, regardless if they’re true or not. These beliefs often operate in the background, shaping how we show up in meetings, how we handle feedback, and how we respond to mistakes. And left unchecked, they can quietly sabotage the very clarity and trust we’re trying to create.

Developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) can help leaders recognize the unhelpful thought patterns that lead to emotional overwhelm, burnout or reactive leadership, while also providing tools to shift these emotions and thoughts. These beliefs show up for everyone. Our mind is constantly running in the background, with an average of 60,000-80,000 thoughts a day. Furthermore, some studies have uncovered an alarming 90 percent of those daily thoughts are negative. Our conscious mind means well by bringing to the forefront every possible negative consequence for every situation, but it’s not always kind to us.

Common Irrational Beliefs Leaders Struggle With

1. “I must always have the answers.”

This belief comes from the pressure to be seen as competent, confident, and in control. But leadership isn’t having all the answers; rather, it’s about asking better questions, getting to the root of the situation, leaning on your team’s expertise, empowering others, and navigating uncertainty with steadiness.

Try to replace those thoughts with something more healthy, balanced and rational: “Who said I have to have all the answers? I’m not perfect. It’s OK not to know everything. What matters is that I stay curious, open and resourceful.”

2. “If I show vulnerability, I’ll lose respect.”

Many leaders have internalized the idea that strength means stoicism. Yet the workplace of 2025 seems to call for leaders who are more real than they are invincible. Showing vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s more showing you’re human, have limitations, and need the support of others, just as your team does.

A healthy counterstatement: “I don’t need to be perfect or infallible. When I’m being honest about my own limitations, my team can take that any way they want.”

3. “Mistakes mean I’m failing.”

This belief often stems from a deep sense of ownership and responsibility. All of which are fine, until they turn into guilt, overfunctioning or burnout. Perfectionism runs deep in leadership, often reinforced by high standards and high stakes. However, fear of failure leads to playing small, micromanaging, or overcorrecting.

Thought replacement: “Who said I must be perfect all the time or everything should work out exactly as I hoped. I can lead well and still get it wrong sometimes.”

4. “If I’m not liked, I’m doing something wrong.”

This belief can lead to people-pleasing, unclear boundaries, or avoiding tough conversations. Leadership isn’t a popularity contest and chances are no matter which decision, direction or move you make, someone, somewhere may disagree.

A healthier thought: “It’s OK if not everyone agrees with me or not everyone likes me. Who says I have to be liked by everyone? I’m making the decision I believe needs to be made, from clarity, not from the possible impacts or how other might perceive it.”

These Beliefs Happen to All of Us

It’s important to remember that irrational beliefs are natural, especially when emotions are high, stakes feel personal, or uncertainty is constant. They’re often rooted in fear: fear of failure, rejection, or not being enough. Yet almost every leader experiences these thoughts. The difference is that some learn to pause, notice and gently challenge them, rather than let them drive their decisions.

A Tool to Shift Your Thinking

Try this REBT-inspired reflection when you’re feeling reactive, overwhelmed or unsure:

  • A – Activating Event: What happened?
  • B – Belief: What story am I telling myself about it?
  • C – Consequence: What am I feeling or doing as a result?
  • D – Dispute: Is this belief actually true? Is it helpful?
  • E – Effective New Belief: What’s a more rational, empowering thought I can move forward with?

It sounds like a simple practice, but be patient with yourself. It takes time to start to recognize these thoughts, pause and challenge them. The key to all of this is when there’s high emotion or a reaction, do your best to pause, really look at the thought you’re having, and ask yourself if it is true.

Final Thought: Inner Clarity Creates Outer Leadership

You don’t have to get rid of every irrational thought. That’s not the goal. They will come no matter how long or how hard you try. Rather, the goal is awareness.

When you catch your inner “musts,” “shoulds” and “what ifs,” you create space for choice. You shift from reactive to intentional. From performance to presence. From control to clarity.

That’s the kind of leadership the workplace of the future is calling for: leadership that is real, reflective, and rooted in something deeper than outdated expectations.

Leadership and leaders don’t have to be perfect. No one ever said leaders are infallible. That they can predict every possible outcome to prevent issues. They don’t need to be a flawless, all-knowing, or always-on version of a leader. That person doesn’t exist.

We often think leadership is about control. Control of people, outcomes and appearances. But in truth, great leadership starts with self-leadership, and self-leadership starts with clarity. Not performative clarity, not overconfidence, but the kind that comes from knowing yourself: your values, your stories, your patterns, your defaults.

When you notice your irrational beliefs with compassion (not shame or frustration), you start leading from a more grounded place. You become less reactive, more intentional. Less driven by fear, more guided by purpose. And the ripple effects on your team and others around you can be powerful:

  • Your team feels safer.
  • Your communication becomes cleaner.
  • Your boundaries become clearer.
  • Your presence becomes steadier.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never get caught up in old beliefs again. You will. We all do. But now, you’ll recognize the signs. You’ll pause. You’ll ask better questions. And from that pause, clarity can emerge.

So the next time you hear that old voice with outdated messages, “You’re not doing enough,” “You can’t show weakness,” “You should have known better,” don’t rush to silence it. Just listen. Ask, “Where is this coming from? And is it really true?”

And if you ever catch yourself frustrated about how a situation turned out or that someone was upset by your decision or they gave you negative feedback, you can always find the evidence that says the world has to treat you a certain way.

The world doesn’t have to treat you fairly and you don’t have to be perfect. I would like everything to work out perfectly or for me to be perfect all the time, but it’s not awful if it doesn’t. It’s just unfortunate.

Melissa Thallemer is a founding partner and executive coach with Leadership Reinvented, where she leverages her extensive executive leadership career with her experience as a board-certified counselor.

This article was originally published by Leadership Reinvented and has been republished with permission.